At the engagement retreat we attended several years ago they mentioned a concept about “ball of yarn” versus “one room” thinking. It is based on the concept that most people fall into one of two categories. One group compartmentalizes and primarily focuses on one segmented idea/ concept/ thought. The other group moves easily and quickly in between thoughts based on cognitive or emotional connections much like a ball of yarn. Since then I have found so many instances where understanding this is key to handling a situation. Understanding our differences in this area has been a huge benefit in our marriage. Kyle is a one room thinker and I am definitely a ball of yarn thinker. This is a wonderful concept on its own but I had a huge aha moment the other day that in my opinion takes this to a whole other level.
It is not just the difference in thinking but the impact of that on how a person approaches a situation. One room thinkers focus primarily on the current situation in decision making. Ball of yarn thinkers focus on exceptions because specific instances have a stronger cognitive and emotional tie. Seems simple and not that profound but look at this example.
Example: Running the dryer at night
Dale: What is that noise?
Kyle: Oh, I turned on the dryer so our clothes will be ready in the morning
Dale: What? Why? Don’t you remember what happened to Rob
Dale: Remember his dryer lint ignited and his apartment caught on fire while he was sleeping
Kyle: I didn’t think of that, we have run our dryer at night tons of time and it has always been fine
Dale: What is that noise?
Kyle: Oh, I turned on the dryer so our clothes will be ready in the morning
Dale: What? Why? Don’t you remember what happened to Rob
Dale: Remember his dryer lint ignited and his apartment caught on fire while he was sleeping
Kyle: I didn’t think of that, we have run our dryer at night tons of time and it has always been fine
Commentary: Kyle is a one room thinker so he thought primarily of the current situation which was I want clean khaki shorts to wear tomorrow. I am a ball of yarn thinker so I immediately thought of the most memorable experience related to drying clothes at night. I don’t think one approach is better than the other but it makes a huge difference in decision making. It also helps you better understand the other person when you understand their train of thought. Kyle often says my tone is condescending when I ask him about something like this but it because I am flabbergasted that he didn’t automatically take into account the incident that happened over a year but it is because his brain isn’t wired that way. It also works in reverse when he gets frustrated because he says I overcomplicate things but it isn’t my fault that any topic in my mind is wired to lots of other thoughts and memories. The more we continue to grow and understand one another and our thought process the easier it gets to change our tone of voice or approach but a lot of the times when we bicker it is a result of a conflict between our two trains of thinking. Sorry for such a long post but I am absolutely fascinated by these concepts and wanted to share my latest revelation!
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